5 things I appreciate in this world

So today, a client was saying that she has been instructing her child to think of ten things she loves and write it down. She claimed it improved her attitude a lot. So whilst standing outside thinking how incredibly lonely I am without my mum being here, I thought, why am I indulging in these sad thoughts when how I feel simply comes down to perception. So I began thinking of 5 things I love in this world and before I knew it, I caught myself smiling into the summer night.

Here goes:

1. I love the innocence of children. The honesty, the no-pretense, the curiosity and just the altogether cuteness. Who can resist a child smiling at them? No one, that's who :)

2. I love sea creatures. Every time I go to the beach, I insist on visiting the rocky pools and searching for crabs and other interesting life. I don't know what it is about them exactly but I love ocean creatures. I love that they have their little microcosms that are so naturally beautiful without them trying to make it beautiful. I love that they have their little systems going and just go about their business diligently and whole-heartedly. I love that about the little rock pools and I love that about the whole ocean. Fish (I presume) go about their daily lives not concerned about how they look to others, not concerned on how to be cool and simply occupy themselves on survival and on their young. God, I sound like Holden Caulfield. I'm not cynical........ right?

3. Penguins. Gotta love penguins. Again, it's the innocence and the purity of their lives I love. Not being interested on the superficial but dedicating their whole lives to their families and their little ones. Not only that, they are frickin hilarious little things. They do such wacky things such as stealing each other's rocks from their nests, presenting a rock to their chosen partner and huddling in a circular motion. Nawww. Too cute.

4. Before you think I'm totally cynical about people, number 4 relates to my colleagues. For such a tense job where we witness terrible things happening to children and have clients constantly swearing and lying to us, my colleagues have a beautiful outlook on life. Not only do they ensure they look after themselves and fill their lives with positivity, they continue exuding that joy onto the clients. No doubt, remaining positive and hopeful to hopeless and abusive clients is an incredibly hard thing to do. But that's exactly what they do with incredible passion. They inspire me.

5. I love that home is where the heart is and my heart belongs in Korea. Although I came to this country when I was one, my heart and soul is completely content in Korea and I am overwhelmed by the love and pride I have in my country. If I can, I'd love to go and live there for a few months in the near future.

So there we go. Doing that every so often will probably make me appreciate life much more and ensure I don't get burnt out and start hating life. At a minimum, it'll bring a smile to my face.

As pitiful (and feral) as my clients may come across at the best of times, I guess as human beings, we all have a lot we can learn from each other.

And that, dear Blog, is another thing that makes me smile :)

Spinster with a job

So I discovered the Blogger app. Now I have no excuse to myself not to blog. Blogging has always been very therapeutic to me and kept me somewhat reflective and ever so slightly sane so I'm glad I can do it in the palm of my hand :)

So update to you, dear blog. Well the nail-biting has subsided and I now sport funky electric blue nails. Why, you ask? Well although it seems but a distant memory, the assessment centre shebang all went well and I'm officially a CS employee! As of roughly seven months ago, that is. And work is going wonderfully. I hated, hated it at the start and thought the office was filled with uber unfriendly and OTT people. Now, I've grown to love the OTT people and the hardcore demands of the job. Perhaps, just perhaps, this love has exploded upon [deleted 14/02/12].

So the job's going well for the time being. Upon [deleted 14/02/12], however... Well I shall keep you in the loop, dear blog.

My family is well besides all the drama with my father dear but let's not go there right now. My friends are as wonderful as always. Annnd the love life. Well let's just say that I'm slowly resigning myself to the fact that I will live a spinster life. Not because I don't think I'll find "the one" as such, more so because I don't know if I can adapt my life to fit with that significant other's life. Or if I'm willing to. I'm quite happy on my lonesome and being able to do what I want when I want it. Well that's another whole bag of chips that I may or may not blog about in the future. Oooh, so cryptic I am.

Mum is harassing me to drive her to Campsie so off I go. Oh, I got a new car, blog. Honda Civic 96 EK4 hatchback. Yup, my dream car (one of many) :) and my gosh, it purrs like a kitten. So on this note I shall take my baby out (the car, not my mum) and say adios til next time.

x

halfway...

"I don't know why we all hang on to something we know we're better off letting go.
It's like we're scared to lose what we really don't even have.
Some of us say we'd rather have something than nothing at all, but the truth is... to have something halfway is harder than not having it at all."

 - Anonymous

tasty fingernails

On the first day of kindergarten, I remember walking around the garden area shyly feeling overly anxious about what the day (and the rest of my life) had in store for me. I had an overwhelming sense of social phobia seeing these loud, confident five year olds prancing around boasting friendships they had somehow already developed. I knew no one and my, was I nervous. Before I knew it, my hands had reached my mouth and I began biting at my tiny little fingernails... Day one of my nervous habit had struck.

Twelve years later, I decided my intermittent and circumstantial nail-biting habit had to go. My partner in crime and fellow nail-biter, S, and I both realised it was time to stop this disgusting and debilitating behaviour once and for all in order to progress with our approaching "adult" lives. The motivation? Cosmetic reasons of course :) We were seventeen year olds with places to go and people to meet. Goodbye habit, hello manicured perfection.

Since then, I have had times where I had been minding my own business and slowly come to realise that, shock horror, I was nibbling away at my sparkly pink nails once again. Ugh. This would make me stop and reflect on what's going on in my life and what in the world I was so anxious about. The answer was never too far away.

So what's the point of this long-winded story? Well for the last couple of days, I have been in a nail-biting frenzy. This has meant a) short, ugly nails, and b) reflection-time!

Reflection complete and a timeline leading to my annoyingly high levels of anxiety follows:

• Oct, 2007: Decision that I will become a CS caseworker :)
• Dec 26, 2010: Job application to CS
• Jan 31, 2011: "I know it's short notice but can you make it to the Assessment Centre tomorrow?"
• Feb 1, 2011: A 6 hour job interview consisting of a role play, written analysis, psychometric testing, group task and one-on-one interview
• Feb 7, 2011: OHHH THE WAITTTTT. NOM NOM NOM.

Conclusion :) I'd like my nails back. Or if that's not good enough, I need not ever manicure my nails or have them beautifully long again. More than anything, I just really really want the job, CS. Kthxbye.

[ My noticeboard: Job ad for CS in SMH in Oct, 2007 ]

Grant me the serenity...

2010 // so it's been an eventful year.. to sum it up -
friends: old, new, learning, broken, disappointing, fun, distance, differences..

Gosh, doesn't sound too positive at all. I guess all these years, my friends and friendships have always been the highlight. In 2010, however, it clearly wasn't the case. There's been a lot of disappointment in terms of friends being unforgiving to one another, friends having too much pride to reach out, friends putting work before friendships, friends putting their girlfriends (or boyfriends) first. It sucked. So what have i learnt from this? The same thing I always tell myself but can never do - don't put my heart and soul and utmost trust that others value friendships as much as I do. Because in reality, most people prioritise other things whether it be love, their career, their pride...

love: busy, sad, opportunities, bad timing, indecisiveness, lack of courage..

Another big sigh in this department. 2010 saw me spend lots of time with various beautiful men... people I grew terribly fond of and wish I could continue having in my life. People... that don't want the same thing *cries*

I guess this year was different to other promiscuous (emotionally promiscuous, that is!) years in that this time I've accepted that men aren't on the hunt for friendship. So when meeting new guys, I knew what they wanted, did some navigating, and when acknowledging that they weren't what I was looking for, I just moved right on. Looking back now I think I was too quick in making those decisions.

I got into my first "official" relationship (since K) with C in where I built up the courage to COMMIT and call him my boyfriend. What a beautiful guy he was :) Unfortunately, he deserved someone more like him and wanting more in a relationship. I couldn't give him, or the relationship, the attention he rightly deserved.

2011 // So..... I think I'm currently in a bit of a rut. In psychological terms, a Major Depressive Episode.

Okay, I exaggerate. But really, nothing's going right - friendships, relationships, career. Or rather, nothing's going full stop. What can I resolve for myself to solve all these dilemmas in my life... Well I think it all starts in my own mind. Acceptance. I must accept that those I love might have different priorities to me. And I must respect that. I must accept that I will probably always put my friends first and get hurt again and again. And you know what? It's okay :) I must accept that if I'm not ready for love, I'm not ready for love. If he's not the one, he's not the one. And I must accept that if I want change in my life, it is purely and simply up to me to get up and make it happen.

I just realised. Although I am very much a Christian, my blog sounds like a fat summary of that Catholic quote.

"Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can, and

the wisdom to know the difference."

- Saint Francis of Assisi

Acceptance. Courage. Change. Wisdom. Reflection. Appreciation. Love.

Welcome, 2011 :) anticipating what you have in store for me.

Woooo

it's my party

I used to really enjoy blogging. Back in 2003 when I first began to blog (refer to my xangurr) , it was fun writing whatever I the hell I wanted to an eager growing audience (consisting of friends of friends of friends of friends etc in a specific social community). Being the pubescent and angsty high school girl I was developing into, however, some of my posts became accordingly angsty and bitchy. This did not impress everyone - particularly ex-boyfriends, their new girlfriends, high school rivals ;) The result? A few months of blame games, censorship, deleted posts and blog wars (not in any particular order).

Lesson #1: once blog content starts getting brought up in arguments, my blog has failed me. Rather, I have failed my blog.

My point? Hmm...
I guess my point is that this time, I am committing to have my blog function as a big fat online scrapbook where I can collect all the things I love and that make me me <3 I can't guarantee that there won't be venting but I will focus this blog on me and not on others. Coz it's my party and I'll cry if I want to ;)

"Love makes time pass; time makes love pass."

-French Proverb